I got home around one o’clock on Wednesday, May 28. It was one of the most difficult trips I’ve ever had to take. My stomach was a mess, my mind was racing, my heart was on overdrive and hyperhydrosis was pouring out. I walked in the house through the garage and went straight to my sister’s room to change. I put on my dark suit, took a deep breath and headed out to the gym…

I had missed a day and a half of the viewing. My friend Raul, who picked me up from the airport, said that it had been a very beautiful time yesterday. Lots of people had come by and the pastor had shared a great word. I thought to myself, “how could I have missed that?”… “why couldn’t I be here for that”…

I walked in the gym floor where thousands of classes had been taught. There were a bunch of flowers, chairs and in the front-center was the casket. I walked to the side and snuck my way up to sit next to my mom and sister on the front row. I’ve only been to a couple of viewings and I’ve never been able to walk up front… this was no different. I avoided looking up and just sat there as the Korean Pastor was speaking. I held my mom’s hand and closed my eyes.

After an hour, it was time to head to the church. “Only and hour”, I thought.. “I was only here an hour”. I walked around and said hello to some of the people that were there. I walked back in and saw mom standing by dad and I mustered up the courage to walk up. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”… that’s all I could think or say… my heart was broken.

I have no words to describe what I felt when I saw my mom crying next to dad, kissing his forehead and calling his name…”You need to look at him as much as you can… once they close the casket that’s it…” my mom said. And to be honest, I was only able to stand there for a few minutes.. I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t.

The service was 100% Jesus… the Pastor did an amazing job of preaching Jesus to the people who were there. He spoke about the life of faith that dad led, and how he put Jesus above all else. I know dad was happy that the people there had an opportunity to hear about Jesus… that his students and friends would not only learn from his martial arts, but from his heart for God.

I almost lost it when a group from the Korean Church did a special song … one of my dad’s favorite hymns, Amazing Grace. The same one he blessed us with just a few weeks ago at the wedding.

I got asked to speak and I really didn’t have the words. What came out was words that described a man of honor, respect, sacrifice, discipline, humility… the hard-worker, the dad, the husband. A man who enriched the lives of people around him. A man who led a full life… full of work, students, happiness, sadness, but most of all a life full of love and faith. We did a final bow as students and headed out to the site.

As we drove up to my dad’s final resting place, I was amazed to see the people who were there… people from all walks of life, young and old, rich and poor … from the guy who had to walk there, to the current presidential candidate… from young kids to elderly adults. I remember dad telling me a long time ago that he was blessed to be able to interact with people from all walks of life. That when he died, he was interested to see who would show up… well dad, they were all there…

The week has gotten harder not easier. From teaching classes the next day to hearing my mom cry to airport closures to long bus rides… its been an interesting week. Now that I’m headed back I think about my mom and sister. I just pray from strength and peace from heaven. As I do for myself.

It’s the middle of the night and I’m sitting in dad’s hospital room, a room I have grown accustomed to this past 10 days. A room I didn’t expect to be in, not now, not ever. A room that I wish we weren’t in, especially not today… not on my last day here. I so wish I could be typing this from home. I’ve been hoping that dad would get to go home this week sometime, but here we are.

I got a call from my sister on Friday morning the 16th as Lauren and I were packing. It was our last day of our Honeymoon and we were about to make the drive home.

“Dad’s in the ICU”

“What?!”

“Yes, he couldn’t breathe this morning. They found blood and fluid in his lungs.”

“WOW, Ok… I’ll call mom as soon as I’m on the road.”

When I talked to my mom I learned that He was in critical condition and the doctors where giving him hours to days. She told me that it was up to me whether I wanted to go now or come after.

Lauren and I got here Saturday afternoon (after a two hour delay) and came straight to the hospital. I didn’t know what to expect as I walked through the doors of the ICU, I was nervous and scared… I found dad laying in bed, with all sorts of tubes and cables coming out of his fragile body. He looked pale and was definitely in a delicate state. I grabbed his hand and he opened his eyes.

“You’re here.”

“Yes sir.”

“Good”,”I lost a lot of blood you know.”

“I know, are you feeling ok?”

“I’m ok. I think you can’t stay in here long, go be with your mom.”

I saw the X-Ray that they took earlier that day and his left lung didn’t show up in it. It was full of blood/fluid which was why he couldn’t breathe and was a blank spot on the X-Ray. I spoke with the nurses and they told me that he had lost 4 liters of blood. That didn’t resonate until I googled how much blood we have in our bodies… about 6 liters… Yikes.

I went back into the ICU moments later and spent some more time with dad. He says to me,

“You need to go home and wash the cars, sweep the garage, there’s two bulbs that need to be changed, there’s a tile that has come of in the gym, and just walk around and see what else there is to do. I haven’t been able to do any of that so you need to go take care of it.”

“Yes sir.”

How interesting is it that my dad is in critical condition, but what’s heavy on his mind is things that needs to be done in the gym? Things that he has not been able to do, things he’s taken care of his entire life. I can only imagine how tough it is for him to just lay in bed all day long. He’s led an active lifestyle his entire life and to be in bed must be torture for him. He always said stuff like, “Exercise is life”, “Working is living”, “I can’t just sit here, I need to go do something”…

He was taken out of ICU on Monday morning. Hallelujah! His vitals are stable and have been for the past week. The struggle now is his continual bleeding. There’s a tube coming out of his side going into this reservoir and it has been filling up to an average of 1300ml a day. They’ve tried twice to stop the bleeding with some procedure but it hasn’t worked. They’re coming in tomorrow to try it a third time with some different medicine. I’m praying to Jesus that this procedure will work and his bleeding will stop. I spoke with the doctor before she left and asked her a couple of questions.

“What do you think?”

“We’re going to try the procedure a third time with a different medicine and see if that works. We can’t keep the tube in there for a lot longer because it can get infected. So we’re going to try the procedure again and go from there. He’s oozing blood from his upper torso, its not a single source which makes it difficult.”

“I see, and if the procedure doesn’t work?”

“He may just stay like this until he passes. I believe this is the final stretch. It’s all in the hands of God.”

“Thank you doctor.”

As I sit here, watching my dad get some sleep, I have no words. I have no words to describe my feelings, my thoughts, my expectations… I just want him to get better. I want him to get up off that bed and walk out this hospital proclaiming the work that the Lord has done in him. I can only image the effect that would have on so many… to see him go through this and then get up and be a testimony of the power of God.

There was an article published on the paper last week entitled, “Master Bong Kyung Song, Master of Masters of the Martial Arts”. A long time friend of my dad who works for the newspaper called and said they wanted to do a Special Report about him. A full page report on my dad and his work in Honduras. What an honor.

I think to myself about how amazing it is that dad has led a life to where people who know him want to honor him in different ways. I’ve seen student after student come by and visit him. Some that haven’t been around for years have heard that he’s sick have come running with tears in their eyes.

“You’ve taught me so much Master.”

“Being your student was one of the highlights of my life Master.”

“You’re like a father to me Master.”

“We love you Master.”

I stop and think how much my dad has poured into his students. I think about the lessons taught and learned. I think about how he has brought up so many students with discipline, respect and honor. I think about all the trophies and the diplomas on the wall. I think about impacted generations as just the other day I saw a grandfather, father and son come to the gym together.

I think about all the stories he has shared with me, like the one where his first job interview was a fight against the biggest guy in the Honduran Police Academy. The academy director told him, “beat him and you can teach us”… he knocked him out. I mean, who has stories like that!

I think about him being a church planter, I think about him being a role model, I think about his prayers and special songs. I think about how he prayed with me every morning before school, I think about how he cooked us breakfast just the way we liked it, I think about the time when he spanked me so hard I couldn’t sit straight for days, I think about the times we would play in the gym, running around, wrestling and doing Tae Kwon Do. I think about family vacations, I think about his singing, his painting. I think about all the advice his given me, or as he called it, “medicine for your ears”. I think about his sickness, I think about Christmas with Lauren, I think about The Best Song Wedding… most of all, I think about my mom, my sister, my nephew… I think about Lauren and I, about what our children will miss out on if dad’s not here. I think about my trip later today and I think about when and what about the next phone call will be.

We got back two weeks ago and hit the ground running… between work, wedding preparations and just life here in Baton Rouge I haven’t had a chance to sit down and get my thoughts together to write a post, I apologize.

Needless to say leaving home was not easy. We woke up that morning and I laid in bed with my dad as he shared some wisdom. Lauren sat next to me and dad just shared some advice with us. I wish everyone could sit with my dad and hear the stories he has. He’s been through so much and I love his life-giving advice.

“Don’t raise your voice at Lauren, control your emotions”

“Never hit your kids out of anger, always for discipline”

“Work hard”

“Don’t miss church”

He holds my mom’s hand and says. “I love you”.

He looks at me and says, “always love your mom”… says it again “always love your mom”…

We sit for a while and then its time to start packing. I ask him if he wants to take a bath, he declines. I had bathed him several times that week, an experience that made us both cry and laugh. The first time he had tears in his eyes and said “look at how skinny I am”, but after the third time he was more comfortable and was instructing me, “get the bottom of my feet, they feel dirty”… hahaha I loved it.

We laughed when I said, “I remember you telling us when we were little, ‘Don’t forget me bathing you, when you get older it’ll be backwards and you’ll take care of me’”… how prophetic!

We sat around and spent some quality time together, we prayed over my mom and dad and then it was time to head out to the airport. I grabbed my luggage and headed out. I’ll never forget the face he made as I turned the corner. I peaked back at him as I left and words just can’t describe the look on his face… it still breaks my heart when I think about it.

Yesterday it hit me… 2 weeks from today my family is scheduled to arrive at Baton Rouge Metro Airport. So many things run across my mind… Will my dad be able travel? What if he can’t? What is the doctor saying? I wonder how he’s feeling right this second. Has he eaten anything? Is he reading his scriptures? Has he walked around any? How are his spirits today? It was easier when I was home. Everything was in front of me.

I just want him to be healthy, to walk around, eat right, get better, and for God to answer his prayer…”I want to work until I’m 70 and live to be 80″.

In Jesus’ name I believe that he’s healed, that in a few months his life will be a testimony to all the people that he has influence on in Honduras. In Jesus’ name I believe that he has strength today, that his spirits are lifted high. In Jesus’ name he gets rest today. In Jesus’ name my mom is encouraged today. In Jesus’ name that tumor is gone. In Jesus’ name. In Jesus’ name. In Jesus’ name I know that he’ll be here in 2 weeks.

Thank you for your comments, your emails, your thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to me and my family. Every time I get an email or a comment it lifts my spirits and it encourages me to press in and fight. Lauren and I are so thankful to have so many great people around us. I can’t imagine doing life without any of you.

Lauren has been posting daily updates for us over on our wedding site and I’m glad she can give everyone an update about her experiences here. I know its tough for her to be in a foreign land, in a house where everyone is speaking a Korean-Spanish combination with a little English thrown in, and on top of that, she’s been thrown into the daily routine of the Song family. But you know what, she’s so amazing… she doesn’t complain one bit, she handles everything so well, she helps me stay encouraged and fits right in. I couldn’t have asked for a better woman of God for me.

You know, before the trip I asked God to give me strength to endure anything this week. I didn’t know what to expect, what my dad looked like, or how bad his condition really was, but I knew I didn’t want to be emotional or react too strongly to the things happening around me. My dad has always said that I’m the foundation of this family, that I need to do well in life, that I need to work hard, help people, that I need to take care of my mom and sister, that I’m the shoulder that they lean on, that my life should be one that when someone says my name it is with respect and honor… so I knew it was so important for me to be strong this week, and thanks to God, Lauren’s amazing support, and your encouragement I’ve held it together pretty well. It definitely has not been easy, but I’m happy about the way God has given me the right words and the right attitude at all times.

Monday felt like it lasted forever. We got home from the airport around noon and by 3 o’clock it felt like I’d been here a week, but the last couple days have flown by. I can’t believe its already Thursday… Sunday night is right around the corner, and I don’t want to think about how hard its going to be to leave…

I’ve enjoy being around the students, I used to teach every day and this week has brought back many memories. My legs are killing me though, I’m not as flexible as I used to be, and trying to do all the things I once did have been a “stretch”.

It’s hard to walk into the Cancer Center that my dad is being treated at and see the condition that it’s in. I wish he could have the best facilities, the best doctors, the best nurses, the kindest people, the best medicine, the best everything… I’m thankful that he’s around his people, his family and friends, and is comfortable. I love how the head of the Cancer Center is one of my parent’s oldest friends. She’s been coming to the gym for a really long time, her daughters were my dad’s students and everything. I’m glad that they have someone that they can trust guiding them through this process.

I’m thankful, thankful for being able to wrap my arms around my mother as she cries. She’s such a strong woman, she takes such good care of my dad, she rubs his stomach without stopping for hours, she never drops a tear in front of him, prays with him every night and is just an amazing wife.

I’m thankful that my dad has gotten a better outlook in the past couple days. My mom woke me up Wednesday morning and said, “Hallelujah, we got Bong Kyung Song (my dad’s full name) back!”. He had gotten up early and prayed sitting up, mom said it was the first time he had done that. I got up and walked downstairs with him and went to the gym to open it up, we walked 6 full laps, and sat at the office for a couple hours. It was the first time in 3 months that he had done any of that. My heart was full and I knew we had made the right decision to come visit.

Today was not a very easy day. We woke up early to go to the center because we had an appointment to get an ultrasound to see how everything was. During the wait, dad was not feeling well and threw up a couple times. Mom said that he had been throwing up bile over the last couple months but it had been over a week since he did it last.

After the ultrasound dad went to the chemotherapy room to get an IV with vitamins while we waited for the results. Lauren and I walked to the mall that is nearby to get a quick bite and then came back. As soon as we got back I met with two doctors in a room and they gave me all the details.

“You dad has gotten worse,” she says “the tumor has grown.”

“He’s worse?”

“Yes, its really aggressive. We see that the tumor has grown and is blocking part of the large intestine and that’s why he’s been nauseated and throwing up bile. There’s nowhere for all that to go.”

“Wow, ok.. what else”

“She can explain more…”

The second doctor and I look over the ultrasound and she points out the differences between the one taken Feb 26, and the one taken today. She says some medical mumbojumbo that I can’t understand and procedes to show me the ultrasound printout.

“The liver shows two lesions on this one and in this other one you can see that there are now nine,” she continues, “we also see some minors ones developing in the stomach.”

Each passing word echoes in my heart like a hammer. “I see…”

“And here you see the original tumor of the pancreas”

“43mm”

“This is the one we took today.”

“54mm”

My heart sinks.

I ask the doctor, “So what’s next?”

“Can you move the wedding up some more? That’s all that he’s talked about since the beginning.”

“Move it up? Is it that bad? The wedding is in 5 weeks.”

“In my opinion, with how its grown in the past month and looking at the results today…Yes.”

My heart sinks even lower.

The drive home was not the most pleasant one.

It’s tough to hear those words, and its tough now to type them up, but I know that the doctors are not the end-all, be-all. It’s all in God’s hands. I just believe with all of my heart that my dad will be fine. That in 5 weeks he will be in Baton Rouge with us watching Lauren and I get married. I believe it, I believe it, I believe it…