We got back two weeks ago and hit the ground running… between work, wedding preparations and just life here in Baton Rouge I haven’t had a chance to sit down and get my thoughts together to write a post, I apologize.

Needless to say leaving home was not easy. We woke up that morning and I laid in bed with my dad as he shared some wisdom. Lauren sat next to me and dad just shared some advice with us. I wish everyone could sit with my dad and hear the stories he has. He’s been through so much and I love his life-giving advice.

“Don’t raise your voice at Lauren, control your emotions”

“Never hit your kids out of anger, always for discipline”

“Work hard”

“Don’t miss church”

He holds my mom’s hand and says. “I love you”.

He looks at me and says, “always love your mom”… says it again “always love your mom”…

We sit for a while and then its time to start packing. I ask him if he wants to take a bath, he declines. I had bathed him several times that week, an experience that made us both cry and laugh. The first time he had tears in his eyes and said “look at how skinny I am”, but after the third time he was more comfortable and was instructing me, “get the bottom of my feet, they feel dirty”… hahaha I loved it.

We laughed when I said, “I remember you telling us when we were little, ‘Don’t forget me bathing you, when you get older it’ll be backwards and you’ll take care of me’”… how prophetic!

We sat around and spent some quality time together, we prayed over my mom and dad and then it was time to head out to the airport. I grabbed my luggage and headed out. I’ll never forget the face he made as I turned the corner. I peaked back at him as I left and words just can’t describe the look on his face… it still breaks my heart when I think about it.

Yesterday it hit me… 2 weeks from today my family is scheduled to arrive at Baton Rouge Metro Airport. So many things run across my mind… Will my dad be able travel? What if he can’t? What is the doctor saying? I wonder how he’s feeling right this second. Has he eaten anything? Is he reading his scriptures? Has he walked around any? How are his spirits today? It was easier when I was home. Everything was in front of me.

I just want him to be healthy, to walk around, eat right, get better, and for God to answer his prayer…”I want to work until I’m 70 and live to be 80″.

In Jesus’ name I believe that he’s healed, that in a few months his life will be a testimony to all the people that he has influence on in Honduras. In Jesus’ name I believe that he has strength today, that his spirits are lifted high. In Jesus’ name he gets rest today. In Jesus’ name my mom is encouraged today. In Jesus’ name that tumor is gone. In Jesus’ name. In Jesus’ name. In Jesus’ name I know that he’ll be here in 2 weeks.

Thank you for your comments, your emails, your thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to me and my family. Every time I get an email or a comment it lifts my spirits and it encourages me to press in and fight. Lauren and I are so thankful to have so many great people around us. I can’t imagine doing life without any of you.

Lauren has been posting daily updates for us over on our wedding site and I’m glad she can give everyone an update about her experiences here. I know its tough for her to be in a foreign land, in a house where everyone is speaking a Korean-Spanish combination with a little English thrown in, and on top of that, she’s been thrown into the daily routine of the Song family. But you know what, she’s so amazing… she doesn’t complain one bit, she handles everything so well, she helps me stay encouraged and fits right in. I couldn’t have asked for a better woman of God for me.

You know, before the trip I asked God to give me strength to endure anything this week. I didn’t know what to expect, what my dad looked like, or how bad his condition really was, but I knew I didn’t want to be emotional or react too strongly to the things happening around me. My dad has always said that I’m the foundation of this family, that I need to do well in life, that I need to work hard, help people, that I need to take care of my mom and sister, that I’m the shoulder that they lean on, that my life should be one that when someone says my name it is with respect and honor… so I knew it was so important for me to be strong this week, and thanks to God, Lauren’s amazing support, and your encouragement I’ve held it together pretty well. It definitely has not been easy, but I’m happy about the way God has given me the right words and the right attitude at all times.

Monday felt like it lasted forever. We got home from the airport around noon and by 3 o’clock it felt like I’d been here a week, but the last couple days have flown by. I can’t believe its already Thursday… Sunday night is right around the corner, and I don’t want to think about how hard its going to be to leave…

I’ve enjoy being around the students, I used to teach every day and this week has brought back many memories. My legs are killing me though, I’m not as flexible as I used to be, and trying to do all the things I once did have been a “stretch”.

It’s hard to walk into the Cancer Center that my dad is being treated at and see the condition that it’s in. I wish he could have the best facilities, the best doctors, the best nurses, the kindest people, the best medicine, the best everything… I’m thankful that he’s around his people, his family and friends, and is comfortable. I love how the head of the Cancer Center is one of my parent’s oldest friends. She’s been coming to the gym for a really long time, her daughters were my dad’s students and everything. I’m glad that they have someone that they can trust guiding them through this process.

I’m thankful, thankful for being able to wrap my arms around my mother as she cries. She’s such a strong woman, she takes such good care of my dad, she rubs his stomach without stopping for hours, she never drops a tear in front of him, prays with him every night and is just an amazing wife.

I’m thankful that my dad has gotten a better outlook in the past couple days. My mom woke me up Wednesday morning and said, “Hallelujah, we got Bong Kyung Song (my dad’s full name) back!”. He had gotten up early and prayed sitting up, mom said it was the first time he had done that. I got up and walked downstairs with him and went to the gym to open it up, we walked 6 full laps, and sat at the office for a couple hours. It was the first time in 3 months that he had done any of that. My heart was full and I knew we had made the right decision to come visit.

Today was not a very easy day. We woke up early to go to the center because we had an appointment to get an ultrasound to see how everything was. During the wait, dad was not feeling well and threw up a couple times. Mom said that he had been throwing up bile over the last couple months but it had been over a week since he did it last.

After the ultrasound dad went to the chemotherapy room to get an IV with vitamins while we waited for the results. Lauren and I walked to the mall that is nearby to get a quick bite and then came back. As soon as we got back I met with two doctors in a room and they gave me all the details.

“You dad has gotten worse,” she says “the tumor has grown.”

“He’s worse?”

“Yes, its really aggressive. We see that the tumor has grown and is blocking part of the large intestine and that’s why he’s been nauseated and throwing up bile. There’s nowhere for all that to go.”

“Wow, ok.. what else”

“She can explain more…”

The second doctor and I look over the ultrasound and she points out the differences between the one taken Feb 26, and the one taken today. She says some medical mumbojumbo that I can’t understand and procedes to show me the ultrasound printout.

“The liver shows two lesions on this one and in this other one you can see that there are now nine,” she continues, “we also see some minors ones developing in the stomach.”

Each passing word echoes in my heart like a hammer. “I see…”

“And here you see the original tumor of the pancreas”

“43mm”

“This is the one we took today.”

“54mm”

My heart sinks.

I ask the doctor, “So what’s next?”

“Can you move the wedding up some more? That’s all that he’s talked about since the beginning.”

“Move it up? Is it that bad? The wedding is in 5 weeks.”

“In my opinion, with how its grown in the past month and looking at the results today…Yes.”

My heart sinks even lower.

The drive home was not the most pleasant one.

It’s tough to hear those words, and its tough now to type them up, but I know that the doctors are not the end-all, be-all. It’s all in God’s hands. I just believe with all of my heart that my dad will be fine. That in 5 weeks he will be in Baton Rouge with us watching Lauren and I get married. I believe it, I believe it, I believe it…

I’m not great at this kind of thing, being vulnerable, being open, sharing the things that happen in my life. I like the behind the scenes, the privacy … not the spotlight, not the attention. However, if there is anything I’ve learned in the past couple months is that I’m not strong enough, capable, or have broad enough shoulders to carry this burden alone. So here is my story…

I’ve gotten calls from my parents every Sunday night for the past ten years. Sometimes more, but never less. They call to catch up, let me know how the gym is going, how everyone is, to just updated each other on our lives. However, this call was different, this call came early one Wednesday evening in January and it would change me, shake me up, bring me to my knees, and make me feel like I’ve never ever felt before.

My parents had just left Baton Rouge. They came up to visit for Christmas, to see the house I had bought and meet the woman who I am now to marry. We had a great time, shopped, laughed, ate a bunch of Counter Culture, had a meet up with the Best family, they saw where I worked, met some of the people I worked with, saw where I lived and in a flash 10 days was gone.

I answer the call and my mom says that she was calling me to talk about something … and it catches me off guard. I hear her breakdown crying and tell me that my dad has gotten very sick, that for the past couple of weeks he’s had symptoms like loss of appetite, nausea, black urine, pale skin, and more. So they had to take him to the hospital and run some tests to see what was wrong.

I tell her that’s it ok and to call me back when they get the test results back and know what’s happening. A few days go by and my mom calls and explains the test results to me…

“They found a 4cm tumor in his pancreas…it was blocking a little tube for bile that was causing all the symptoms… you know what that means right? A tumor?”

“Yes, mom, I know…when will you know more?”

“This weekend”

“Ok, call me as soon as you know”

We had a HPC staff retreat that weekend. What incredible timing God has… it was great to be in that environment and let God work on my heart and just let Him be the comforter that He is. I know that during worship that night I let it all go and gave it all Him… “let Your will be done Lord, You are in control.”

Saturday night rolls around, I call home and my sister answers, we talk for a little bit and I ask if they had the test results, “Yes” she says…

“It’s Cancer in his Pancreas and it has metastasized to the liver”

“Wow, ok, where’s mom and dad?”

“They went to San Pedro Sula cuz dad had to teach this weekend”

“Ok, tell mom to call me.”

The weeks that followed have not been the easiest. Being so far away from home, trying not to show emotion in public, keeping up with work, struggling to understand why, so many things going and and everything was happening so fast.

“He wants to see you get married”, my mom said. “I know we talked about doing it in October, but the doctors are saying to change the dates. Can you do it in May? Like the first weekend in May?”

“Yes mom, I’ll talk to Lauren and we’ll figure everything out.”

Bittersweetness can best describe the next few weeks. Telling some of my close friends about what was happening, getting encouraged by them, and on Feb 20 Lauren and I got engaged! You can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions Lauren and I have both experienced over the past several months.

I’ve travelled to Honduras a lot over the last 11 years. I’ve gone for summer vacation, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break and more. This time was different though, I don’t ever remember being nervous and antsy as we were approaching the airport … don’t get me wrong, the landing in Tegucigalpa, Honduras is still one of the most “exciting” experiences around … but this was different, this was a different kind of nervous.

We arrived yesterday morning and were greeted at the airport by my sister and my nephew after a full morning of travel (thanks to JP and Gabi for the ride to the airport). The ride from the airport was the same ol’ ride, fought the traffic, rode on the same streets, saw the same sights, and pulled up on the same parking lot. However one thing was different… my dad was waiting for me at home and not at the airport.

Day one back at home was a true rollercoaster ride. I saw my sister for the first time in a long time. I saw the gym, the house, the people… my childhood was staring straight back at me. So many memories, so many stories I was happy to be home.

I hugged my dad, his once muscular, kick-yo-booty, 18″ guns, 6-pack, 9th degree black belt body has been attacked by this cancer. It’s hard for me to digest the way he looks, but it’s my dad. I don’t care what he looks like, I just want him to be healthy.

He’s a working man… a man that has had the same routine for over 50 years. Wake up, pray, work out, eat, nap, teach Tae Kwon Do, eat, teach Tae Kwon do, sleep… and repeat. On the weekends, What is there to clean? What is there to fix? A man who has planted 2 Korean churches.. Who was honored at Congress for his contributions to Honduran Athletics, a servant, a man that gives you the biggest piece of chicken even if he’s the hungriest one… a man of honor, respect, integrity, faith, love… that’s my dad. There’s so much I could say about my dad, I wish you could sit with him for a day and just let him speak over you. He has so much wisdom and experience.

Think about this, you leave your home country of Korea, have $50 in your pocket, a suitcase, you’re in a country where you can barely speak the language and 30+ years later you are honored at the Honduran Congress for what you’ve done in the country. WOW… I want to be my dad when I grow up.

The treatment is going well. Radiation is over and he has 2 more Chemo sessions left. His number one concern right now is being able to travel to our wedding. He’s mentioned a few things more than anything in the past two days… “I wish I could work, I need to make it to your wedding, and I feel bad for your mom.”

It’s going to be a great week. I believe that with all of my heart. I know that it makes a huge difference for Lauren and I to be here and just encourage him and help him through this tough time.

My prayer request is this… for my dad to have an open heart to receive the blessing and healing power of God, to have strength to fight the battle, to be encouraged, to know that people love and respect him no matter what he looks like.

He’s been a fighter his entire life, and right now he needs the strength to fight the hardest battle of them all. I’ll be updating as much as possible while we are here. Lauren is posting over at our wedding blog so you should check her posts there too.

Love you all, thanks for reading this long post.

Some of us have been lucky to go on mission trips outside of our home town, but I was reminded last week when I was out on an assignment that we don’t have to look very far or very hard to find our mission field. Look at what that is surrounding you right now, whether that’s at at home, at work, at the store, anywhere… we should be concerned at all times about being able to impact the space around us. Picking up trash, opening a door, a kind word, a smile, a gesture, a gift, spending time with your loved one… so many ways to make an impact. Look around you, what opportunity do you have today?